www.beliefnet.com
Lately, do you find yourself doing things that actually set you up for rejection? Things such as not joining in conversations? Never initiating small talk? Not asking people questions about themselves? Avoiding any situation where you might fail?
Don’t feel so all alone. All of us deal with these feelings.
You wouldn’t believe how many awesome, attractive, winning, charming, delightful, smart, interesting, talented, and altogether excellent people get weirdly phobic at certain times in their lives about social situations. It has nothing to do with how interesting and attractive you may be. In fact, I’m sure you could point to any number of dull, annoying, yucky people who are perfectly comfy at a party, right?
Push yourself?
Keep on going to these social situations, even if you are shaking – even quaking – inside. Go, even if you must bring a prop – an old buddy you can trust, a rehearsed shtick or a memorized list of things you can talk or ask about. Drag yourself kicking and screaming, into these situations. And the good news: If you can make yourself show up, then you’re not officially phobic. You’re just nervous.
Maybe you’re irked?
If you’re feeling like this with people you already know and hang around with, then you may be angry at them and not be fully aware of it. Maybe you were excluded from an event that most of the others participated in, or maybe someone betrayed you — and it had a spillover effect to the way you feel about the whole group. Maybe something happened that you found humiliating — and you wound up feeling paranoid about the whole group.
What are you doing?
Whatever happened, do you find yourself deliberately doing things to elicit rejection? It might come from anger turned inward — the “I’m gonna go eat worms” syndrome. If you were ever in Girl Scouts, surely you sat around a campfire making smores and singing: “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna go eat some worms.” There’s a perverse sort of satisfaction in sabotaging yourself that’s hard to describe. It’s as if you’re so angry that you make up a cup of poison for the ones who hurt you – then drink it yourself!
You can fix it!
Have a heart-to-heart with the person who’s hurt you, asking what that was about, expressing your discomfort and so forth. This often enough will take the sting out of the situation and neutralize the embarrassment, because you’re taking charge of your reaction.
Listen
You may hear some things — about something you did, or that was perceived you did, that will surprise you. If so, try to listen non-defensively. This is a good conversation to be having. Pay attention and listen well. Maybe you’ll want to change some things. Mostly, you just want to disrupt the cycle that’s getting you deeper into the muck.
Talk to a friend!
You may want to confide in the most trustworthy person you know and get some support from outside yourself–someone who can non-verbally cue you and support you in some of these situations.
Admit your feelings!
And finally, sometimes just acknowledging to yourself that you’re angry can stop the behaviors that are inviting rejection. Now, get out there! Assume the best.
People actually like you … because you are a really genuine person.
www.beliefnet.com Copyright © Beliefnet, Inc. and/or its licensors. All rights reserved.
It’s imperative that more people make this exact point.